Dear Mom with a baby who doesn’t sleep through the night,
You’re tired. So so tired. In your bones tired. Sometimes it feels like it’s dark all the time because you wake up in the night so many times, stumble to the baby, put him/her to your breast and you fall asleep just like that-mouth hanging open and everything. Sometimes it feels like it’s light all the time because you long for the night to come so you can possibly sleep, even if only for 2 hours at a time. You long for the day to actually be over because maybe the baby will go 4 hours straight and if you go to bed a few minutes after the baby, maybe you will too.
You’ve done cry it out. You’ve cried it out, the baby’s cried it out. The cat even cried a little. And in the end, it’s just not right, it’s not working, it’s not a solution.
Your husband has held you while you let the baby “try and sooth him/herself to sleep”. Ha. He holds you, you cry, the baby cries.
You’ve tried swaddling, not swaddling, using a fan, a sound machine, the Sleep Sheep, a nightlight, fuzzy sleepers, cotton sleepers, socks on, socks off, bedtime routine, Goodnight Moon. You have tried it all. Twice.
And nursing. Or rocking. Or bottles. Or…whatever.
This sweet little one, the one whose smile cracks your heart open during the daylight, whose giggle could send you into the clouds-that same little one causes rage and visions of throwing a baby across the room, and short answers to your husband, other children, customer service reps and tears, and a whole lot of “this isn’t me!”.
All because of one tiny little fact: your sweet little one doesn’t sleep through the night.
Maybe it’s your type A personality. You think, “Before I had a baby, I slept through the night (sort of…pregnancy peeing). So after I have the baby, I understand there will be a few weeks of broken sleep. I mean, after all, it’s a baby and I am *such* a reasonable human being. But then we’ll hit our stride and everything will be normal again!” And so you and your type A personality carry on through the weeks of broken sleep and you’re all fine about it. Then the weeks quietly slip into months and then months maybe even slip into a year and broken sleep is still hanging around. And you’re not fine anymore. You’re like, WHATTHEHECK?
Oh man. Then there is…the friend. The friend who has a friend whose baby slept through the night at 7 weeks old. And not the sleep through the night breastfeeding-book style, 6 hours straight. Her baby slept 12 hours in a row at 7 weeks. 12 FLIPPING HOURS at 7 weeks.
Insert more crying. From you.
I get it. I really get it. It’s so hard. It’s so hard to fall asleep at 11:15 and the baby wakes up at 11:35. And 1:45 and 3:15 and 5:30. It’s hard when the baby in true ninja-baby style then sleeps from 5:30 until 8:30 but you had to get up at 6:00 for workout/other kid(s)/husband/work. It’s so hard.
But mama, I’m smiling. And I’m not sure if I totally understand it, but I’m going to try and explain this mysterious thing to you: when you get up at night with your baby and you go to them and you don’t let them cry (because sometimes that didn’t work anyway) and you respond to them,
you
change.
I don’t know the formula. I don’t know why. But you do-you change.
For me, when I get a good night’s sleep (say, 6.5 or 7 hours possibly even uninterrupted) I am on top of the world. Birds sing beautifully, the sun shines, and my little engine inside me gets chugging. And I can do ANYTHING. Nay, EVERYTHING. I am so strong, so capable, a total Superwoman.
But when my sleep has been broken, not for one night or two, but for weeks and months on end, I cannot rely on myself alone. I cannot. I can’t trust myself to be awesome anymore. I simply cannot “do the day” with the pull-myself-up-by-my-bootstrings mentality. I have to rely on God’s strength, working in me. I go lower (meaning less sleep) so that He can be higher (meaning more humility from me). And I need to rely on others who want to help. I don’t have to do it all (<- What does that even mean anyway?)
(Author’s side note: As I write this, I am afraid at how much more broken sleep is in my future as I judge how much more humility is needed in my life! A direct relationship…nooooo!) (*smiles sheepishly*)
It doesn’t make sense. I don’t fully understand it. But the past 5 years plus have been this way for me and this is the only way I can describe it. God wants to participate with me on my motherhood journey. If I am “with it” and rested and fantastic and fine, there is no space for him to participate. My ego pushes him right out with its gluttony. But if I am broken and tired and spilled-out empty, there’s space for the Divine. I want more of Him and so at 4:47am, I wake up and respond to my child at the expense of rest.
So, dear Mama, rocking your little one at 3:14am tomorrow morning, I see you. Squeeze their little leg gently while you hold them. Brush their cheek with the back of your finger. Trace their ear with your fingertip and behold. God is right there with you. Strengthening you. Upholding you with His righteous right hand. And He will be the next time the baby wakes up. And tomorrow morning when the days starts. And next year when that same child needs you again at night.
Your hard is hard, but there’s beauty to behold.
With great love and sympathy,
Another sleep-deprived mama
