To my eldest,
Today, you turn 5 years old.
These are strange feelings I have…I feel like my love for you is so fierce that if I start writing it about here, it will hurt me somehow, rip me open again and that the bursting forth will be too much. Even now, I hesitate as I type because I’m afraid I’ll just dissolve into a puddle of mommy-tears. But I will speak of this love anyway. Because I want to explore it, to know its facets, to know it’s depth and breadth, to remember with fondness this love that was given to me as a gift.
I had prepared so diligently for your delivery, for the labor and birth. I did not prepare for anything afterward. I felt so clueless as to what to do with you…you, so little and flailing in my arms. I knew that I loved you, that I just wanted you to be perfect. And I was so excited that I ran on adrenaline for about 8 weeks.
Once the adrenaline ran out, once I ran out, things got really hard. You didn’t do what I wanted you to do, just because I willed it so. You were not me or even a part of me. You were your own little person. Have I even understood this yet today?
But you taught me and Jesus taught me. That you are a wonder. That you are a beautiful little person. That all of your quirks and idiosyncrasies are just as they should be. Just as God intended. I can’t believe that God would give me a daughter who would teach me as much as you have. I wouldn’t have ever learned certain things in my own life if not for you. Jesus is teaching me, through you, how to serve, how to love, how to have joy, how to have a contrite heart, how to care for others, how to play, how to live with complete abandonment.
5 years is a long time it seems to me today. When I look back and think of all we’ve done and learned. Of all you’ve done and learned. Your little head is so eager to learn and so willing to soak up all the world has to offer. I think of all the familiar pictures we’ve taken with your freckly nose and cheeks, with you running off to play at the park, with you making silly faces, with your hair all a mess because you have better things to do. I love the daily-ness of you. How you wake up cheerfully and greet me with “good morning”. Sure we have had fun on big days (Disney, the beach, vacations) but it’s really the fun on the regular days that makes me smile a contented smile. Each day running its course, reminding me of the steady pace of life. And I am so glad you are in my everyday.
This day, October 8th, will always ring with meaning. Because it’s the day that God gave you to us, like a gift. And I am so grateful.