For the most part, since becoming a mother, God has protected my brain from wandering, unproductive, scary thoughts. Like the ones where bad things happen to the people I love or I “go there”- to the end result of some nightmarish line of thinking.
When I was younger and had no children, only nieces and nephews, I used to be consumed by these types of thoughts about their safety and well-being. If we were getting ice cream together at King of the Frosties (shameless Camp reference), I would be terrified that one of the little ones would run out into the busy road. I couldn’t get it out of my head and would think about it for days-both unproductive and scary.
Well, lately, not so. And I need to think about how to battle these thoughts.
The other day, a medicine cabinet that was hanging in my bathroom fell and all my cosmetic supplies went everywhere. The cabinet itself also broke. I was out of the bathroom at the time, getting clothes from my closet. The kids were all out of the bathroom, Lukey was in the jumper of the bathroom door. I was not shaken up at all. Until I realized that until about a week ago, when I showered and got ready for the day, I would place Lukey on the bath mat on a blanket playing with toys. I found the door jumper and started using that because he’s big enough now. He would have gotten seriously hurt if he had been laying on the floor and that cabinet fell. Several hours after the cabinet fell, I realized this and my stomach hurts now just thinking about it. Which I do every time I go into my bathroom now.
Secondly, while holding Lukey, I misstepped and fell going down our staircase. I barely fell at all really because I grabbed the railing and prevented the baby from falling out of my arms. I tweaked a few muscles and have been sore since Wednesday.
Yesterday, I fell on the stairs again by myself.
Everyone is fine. No one got hurt. With all three incidences, we’re all ok. Lukey WAS NOT on the carpet when the cabinet fell. I DID NOT fall down the stairs or drop the baby.
But I am battling hard the thoughts of “what if” and “could have”.
There’s always something that the Enemy seeks to destroy. It’s reminding me that I need to keep Jesus closer than ever. Minute by minute reliance and surrender to His call on my life. Complete abandonment to His command to “cast all my cares upon Him.” The Enemy has only the power I give him. Other than that, he’s a shadow, a smoke screen that will disappear with one small gust of my breath.
“Jesus, I pray that you protect my family, protect my husband, protect me. But more, Lord, I ask for you to be close, for me to feel Your Holy-Spirit-breath on my life. I am so grateful Lord, for everything you’ve done for me. Help me to move my thoughts heavenward, and thereby move myself closer to you.”